icky.

I feel...icky. As juvenile the word is it expresses how I feel to a T.

I have this feeling of stagnation. Of average, of moving at such a terribly slow speed it kills me. There was a short story I read quite a while ago, I wish I could remember the title... Anyways, it has nothing to do with how I feel really except for in this story the people had blocks or restraints on them, for example if a woman was beautiful she had a mask on, if a man was exceptionally strong he would have restraints on him, so no one would be more special than others or overpower the government who was making them this way.

The reason for me mentioning this story is because lately I feel as if I'm being restrained. Not by anyone but myself. I know what I want and I trust God and know He has what's best for me but I just can't seem to get there without setting things up for myself to fall into. I know better and I'm not one to say, "I'm afraid of failing so I'm not gonna try" or blame the mediocre state of how I'm living to things outside of my control. I strongly believe life is what you make it. So what is my deal?

I think Paul says it best

Romans 7:15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

I know this attitude will pass, and I know what steps I need to take, and I thank God for the goals and plans He is setting in front of me.

I really want a good day or two by myself to stop and think. Refocus, gain some perspective, and really think about how I can get my stuff together so I can do what I was called to: be a good friend, a good daughter, girlfriend, student and to help OTHERS. I want to create, I want to express, I want to give.